How To Stay In Love
by Karen Pierce, MSW, LCSW
Charlotte, NC
Have you met the person of your dreams, and are hoping the sparks won’t fizzle? Perhaps you already have the “best thing that ever happened to you” in your life, and want to help keep the magic alive. Or maybe It’s time to add a little spark to your current relationship. Here you’ll find some ideas on how to get and keep the magic in your relationship.
Staying in love is easy if you’re willing to implement the following steps to help create and maintain a more fulfilling relationship-a relationship that grows even closer with time on an ever-deepening scale.
1. Develop a compassionate and loving attitude toward yourself so that you can be compassionate and loving with your partner. Self love must come first before you can truly love another. When you give yourself permission to do things that help you feel fulfilled, you will be able to give to others from a place of joy and generosity rather than resentment and obligation.
Perhaps this means creating time and space to do something you love on an ongoing basis, even if It’s just for 30 minutes a day. Support your partner or spouse in the same manner. Everyone needs to have something of a life of their own. When you and your beloved nurture each other in this way, it opens the door to a deeper level of intimacy and satisfaction. Through your supportive actions you are saying to each other: “You are important to me, and I support who you are, as well as your needs and desires.”
2. Learn to listen with compassionate detachment and an open heart. This is important in general, but is especially true during a conflict. This means that you listen from a position of not being invested in any particular outcome which will free up the two of you to creatively resolve a problem, or find ways to support changes that could take place for the betterment of the relationship.
To resolve conflicts make time for conversation when the two of you are not stressed, hungry, angry, or tired. Commit to not interrupting each other, and to give each other equal time to express your concerns. When your loved one speaks, listen for their concerns, desires, and needs from a position of listening to understand rather than to be understood knowing that you will have your say, too. By listening to each other in this way you are saying to each other: “our relationship is larger than we are as individuals, and we trust that when we listen in this way, the power of our love will aid us in solving our problems, or overcoming conflict”. This dynamic not only builds hope for the future, but it also contributes to your spiritual growth and deepens intimacy within the relationship.
3. Find ways to enjoy your partner or spouse by lightening up, giving each other a break, and having fun with each other. Research shows that playing together contributes to a “positive energy bank” that the relationship can draw upon during times of conflict. Moreover, during times of conflict, humor or play can serve as a safety valve than can melt trouble like a warm ray of sunshine on new-fallen snow. Fun, playful times, and unexpected small surprises inject relationships with the glue that bonds a couple over a lifetime.
Perhaps you will take turns being in charge of a weekly date night. Introduce a little competitive creativity into who can come up with the silliest, funniest, or most flirtatious thing to do with each other. It doesn’t cost much to have a candlelit picnic in the living room floor, complete with good wine and music. Or help your partner feel special by surprising them by personally making breakfast on a non-special occasion complete with pretty napkins, and a flower. (Men tell me they like being fussed over like this as well).
Falling in love is easy; staying in love takes work. With patience, persistence, and diligence in applying these guidelines in your relationship you can create and nurture a love that lasts a lifetime.
