By Betty Phillips

After the honeymoon, when you realize that 50% of all marriages actually do end in divorce, marriage partners begin to realize the enormity of the tasks involved in staying happily married. Positive conflict management becomes a high priority in keeping marriages together. All couples argue, even in successful marriages, but happily married partners learn how to argue, stay best friends, and stay in love.

The overriding principle in managing arguments and conflicts is to make sure that rational thinking prevails and emotions do not run amuck. Visualize a continuum of emotions running from 0 to 10, with 10 being the highest level of anger and dissent ; you should try to keep your arguments/discussions at level 3 where you are engaged in the issues but not so overwhelmed by feelings that rational thinking is impossible. Many couples have learned to agree to schedule a “time out” when emotions run high, with the withdrawing partner agreeing to schedule “time in” to resolve the problem when both spouses calm down.

The following discussion is organized around the concept of ” SOLVE” to emphasize the fact that marital problems can be resolved in an atmosphere of love and respect.

“S” stands for the fact that you should try to schedule discussions of problems when both spouses are calm and focused and willing to discuss the issue. You all probably have experienced the opposite, running out of the door on a tight schedule, when your spouse brings up hot issues which cannot be resolved at the time, and both leave for daily activities feeling upset and angry. Too many of these unsuccessful encounters leave the marriage partners feeling frustrated with a growing number of underlying resentments.

“O” asks the question, what outcome do you really want for yourself and your partner? Pick one issue to discuss at a time, deciding the importance of the issue and whether your proposed solution is reasonable. Too often arguments become confused with a lot of side issues and unresolved problems thrown in, making it impossible to solve anything and again increasing resentments. Also realize that it makes no sense to argue about the past which cannot be changed. So stay focused on the present and future and decide what outcomes would be reasonable for you and your spouse.

“L” stands for listen to your partner until you really understand his or her point of view. What usually happens during an argument is that you never really listen to your partner, instead rehearsing your reply while you wait for your spouse to stop talking. So no one really feels heard and discussions escalate to arguments. If you don’t understand your partner’s point of view, ask questions until you do. Make sure that you validate your spouse’s point of view by showing your understanding of his or her position, even if you then proceed to state a different position on the issue.

“V” stands for verbalize your thoughts, feelings, needs and possible solutions. To keep a discussion positive, use “I” or “we” messages, not “you” messages. An example will illustrate the difference. Let’s say your spouse leaves towels, socks etc. on the floor. ” You are a slob” is an invitation to a fight; ” I get upset when stuff is left on the floor” is less accusatory; ” We have a problem keeping our house neat” may lead to a productive discussion. Try to discuss or “brainstorm” many possible solutions to resolve the problem; a solution may emerge as various possibilities are discussed in a calm manner.

“E” calls your attention to the need to evaluate your solutions after you try them out. Good ideas often go by the wayside when they are not discussed. Too often one partner may forget, the other may become resentful that the agreement was not followed, and then both stop implementing the solution. Instead, pick a time to sit down and review marriage issues to make sure that agreements are honored.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Not so. Actually it’s one of the hardest things that we can do, making sure our rational minds control our arguments, not our hot emotions. Cut out this article and put it on your refrigerator door or other prominent place, so you can refer to it when needed. You can also consult a marriage counselor to help you learn this process and by so doing protect and preserve your marriage. Marriage counseling can help prevent problems as well as save marriages.

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Dr. Phillips holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Harvard University and is certified by the National Register of Psychologists. She specializes in relationship and marriage counseling, including helping couples deal with the challenge of recovering from infidelity. Her office is located at 466 Eagle Point Rd. Pittsboro, NC 27312. You can find out more about Dr. Phillips practice, as well as other articles she has written on her website, or by contacting her at (919) 967.1860

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Are finances an open book in your marriage, or is money a taboo subject? Financial Advisor Bob Watral takes a look at how money can bring out the best and the worst in people and what you can do to ensure that finances don’t create a rift between you and your spouse. Many couples find the shift from focusing on personal finances to focusing on group finances presents a new set of challenges and can often lead to egos getting in the way of teamwork.

Bob is a Vice President of Wealth Management and Financial planning specialist who has been with Smith Barney for more than 20 years. You can reach Bob by calling his office at 919.877.2450, or visiting his website.

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Worried that your spouse cannot satisfy you intimately? In this episode Dr. Debbie Neel returns (her previous visit can be found here) to discuss the differences of emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy, saying that integrating them allows for a strong, satisfied marriage. Emotional intimacy is the understanding, appreciation, and acceptance between mates: the ‘I love you unconditionally.’ Sexual intimacy is the physical openness, communication, and comfort of love and affection also requiring unconditional acceptance. Dr. Neel notes the differences in mental wiring of men and women, how their thoughts and expectations differ, showing that husbands and wives are not intentionally neglecting each other and argues that couples should understand they will change physically and emotionally and that good communication can help avoid a breakdown of intimacy.

Debbie Neel is a licenced psychologist, certified health services provider and certified sex therapist with a private practice in Raleigh North Carolina. She specializes in individual adult and couples therapy, sex therapy, and attention deficit disorder in adults. To find out more about Debbie and her practice, visit her website at http://www.atriumpsychology.com, or call her at (919) 781-8810.

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Happy Father’s Day! Dr. Susan Orenstein discusses the importance of the father’s role in a successful marriage and happy family, which has changed from being the distant, work-oriented bread winner to being a nurturing caregiver with greater participation in his children’s activities and lives. Dr. Orenstein debunks many myths about marriage and fatherhood which have been perpetuated, if not created entirely, by what we see in Hollywood films or what we learn from our parents. Fathers are not the disinterested figures with low-expectations for their wives and children that they can be made out to be; rather, most fathers value the special bonds in their relationships with their families and often do not voice their greater expectations.

Dr. Orenstein is a licensed psychologist with offices in Cary, NC and Chapel Hill NC. She specializes in couples counseling dealing with issues including intimacy, marital satisfaction, affair recovery, and work/family balance. You can find out more about Susan’s practice and seminars by visiting her site: orensteinsolutions.com, or calling her office at (919) 654 - 7311.

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“Hump: True Tales of Sex After Kids” takes a look at restoring the intimate bond between spouses after the changes in life that take place once children enter the picture. Author Kimberly Ford discusses the book and what prompted her to write it, as well as what she learned in the process. The book explores the importance of physical intimacy in making a couple feel like spouses and adults - not just parents. “Hump” is available July 8th on St. Martin’s Press.

Kimberly lives in California with her husband and three children. She received her Ph.D. in Spanish and French Literature in 2001 and since then has published short fiction and essays in magazines including Mothering, The Believer, and Brain, Child. You can find out more about Kimberly and her other work at kimberlyvford.com. To find out more about “Hump”, please visit humpthebook.com, where you can share your stories as well.

Click here to pre-order the book from Amazon.com.

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Why are we quick to repair a clog in the kitchen sink, but let problems in our relationship pile up without fixing them? In this episode, Sharyn Wolf discusses her book “This Old Spouse: Tips and Tools for Keeping the Honeymoon Glow”, and how relating issues with your spouse to issues with your house not only makes it possible to approach and fix problems in a more practical manner, but to appreciate the positive attributes of your marriage more than you do already. Sharyn also goes into detail about the 5 tools that “do-it-yourselfers” need to start solving problems on their own, as well as the 5 behaviors more likely to do harm than benefit to a relationship.

You can find out more about the book at www.this-old-spouse.com, which also includes Sharyn’s blog, reviews of the book, reader stories, and information about Sharyn’s workshops, seminars and counseling services. Click here to order the book in hardcover, or here to pre-order the paperback edition (out June 24 on Plume Books).

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Do changes in desire for your spouse mean that you are no longer in love? Debbie Neel, PhD. discusses how intimacy and desire mature over the course of a marriage and how to understand and enjoy a deeper relationship with your spouse. Physiological and hormonal changes that occur throughout a marriage may often send the wrong signal about loving one’s spouse, as does the waning sense of intimacy that can come from dealing with the mountain of day-to-day tasks that are pushed aside during the initial romance of a marriage.

Debbie Neel is a licenced psychologist, certified health services provider and certified sex therapist with a private practice in Raleigh North Carolina. She specializes in individual adult and couples therapy, sex therapy, and attention deficit disorder in adults. To find out more about Debbie and her practice, visit her website at http://www.atriumpsychology.com, or call her at (919) 781-8810.

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It can be difficult to make an intimate relationship with your spouse a priority when a few years of work, kids, and other day-to-day responsibilities have crept in to your lives. When communication breaks down, the temptation to seek fulfillment outside of the marriage becomes much greater. Sherri Hughes, Certified Life Coach, Reiki Master, and Hypnotherapist, discusses what it takes to get a relationship back on track before serious problems arise.

Sherri practices in Raleigh North Carolina and offers a complementary 15 minute consultation to anyone interested in seeking marriage counseling. You can contact Sherri and find out more about her services by visiting her website at http://www.journeybeginswithin.com, or calling (919) 272-1454.

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Hindsight is 20/20, but sometimes we can learn from the mistakes of others and avoid problems ourselves. Host Lee Rosen and guest Jennifer Coleman, a divorce coach with the Rosen Law Firm, discuss Jennifer’s experience in what she has learned about keeping a relationship strong by examining where others have fallen apart.

This episode touches on issues that commonly cause problems in a marriage, like lack of communication, but also goes deeper into issues such as setting goals in the interest of the marriage instead of the self, and what steps can be taken to repair a relationship if one party is considering a divorce.

You can find out more about Jennifer at the Rosen Law Firm website.

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A serious illness puts incredible stress on even the strongest relationship. This week’s guest, David Garver LMFT, and host Lee Rosen discuss the emotional and psychological impact of an illness on both the well and the ill spouse, and touch on how these events can affect previous issues in the relationship, as well as how both spouses can address their newfound emotions of guilt, anger, and frustration.

David Garver specializes in couples therapy with University Psychological Associates in Charlotte, NC. He also works with adolescents and adults with trauma histories, adjustment/transitions, and family issues and focuses on helping adolescents gain greater self-esteem and assertiveness so that they may lead more satisfying, fulfilling lives. David can be reached at (704) 547-1483 or by visiting UniversityPsychologicalAssociates.com

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