Are issues of past trauma or present anxiety causing conflict in your relationship?  Whether it comes from obvious sources, like military deployment and sexual abuse, or is a side effect of more subtle traumas like put-downs, verbal abuse and neglect, the deep-seated anxiety and stress related issues can manifest themselves as problems with communication and arguments about lifestyle.

Bonnie Gilliom joins us to discuss both large traumas and easily overlooked sources of anxiety for a spouse, as well as discussing the stressful effects of the current economic climate on marriage and what impact different parenting styles can have on a couple.

To find out more about the counseling services Bonnie offers in her Chapel Hill  office, as well as more information about the EMDR technique discussed on the show, visit her website at BonnieGilliom.com, or call her office at (919) 636-0994. You can also visit the Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing Institute at www.emdr.com

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Can hypnosis really help your marriage? It may come as a surprise to some, but the answer is yes. The use of hypnosis is a technique that allows you to reveal your inner thoughts and make significant progress in your relationship and your life. Dr. Kathleen Connolly joins us and reveals how hypnosis really works and how it can help. She alleviates any fears you might have about the practice and describes a typical session.

Kathleen is the founder of Acumeans Inc, a private counselling and consulting practice in Charlotte, NC. She provides psychological counseling, clinical hypnosis and more. She is certified in clinical hypnosis by the flagship organization for licensed practitioners of hypnosis, the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis. You can find out more about her at www.acumeans.com. You can also purchase Dr. Connolly’s hypnosis CD’s, which deal with subjects such as stress, weight, sleep, and smoking by heading to www.signaturemedia.us

To find a licensed hypnotherapist in your area, be sure to visit the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis.

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We’ve all procrastinated at some point, but when avoiding important issues becomes a compulsion, it can have negative effects on your relationship.  Dr. Gloria Arenson joins us to talk about her latest book, Procrastination Nation, and discusses the serious consequences that arise when spouses avoid completing tasks - a behavior often motivated my fear.

Gloria is a psychotherapist, teacher, and author, who runs a private practice in Santa Barbara California.  You can find much more information about Gloria’s other books and media appearances, as well as free articles and other resources on her website at GloriaArenson.com.  You can order a copy of Procrastination Nation from Amazon.com by clicking here.

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Bill and Pam Farrel join us to talk about their book, The 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make, and explain the importance of emotions and communication in making decisions for the good of your relationship.

The Farrels also discuss the importance of keeping a positive outlook regardless of the challenges your relationship faces, as well as how great an impact keeping a sense of humor, even in trying times, can have on your marriage.

The 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make is out now on Harvest House Publishers.  Order it now on Amazon.  You can visit their website, FarrelCommunications.com for signed copies of this and other books, as well as more information about Bill and Pam’s CD sets and speaking engagements.

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The openness of marriage is an opportunity for a great deal of trust, but can also result in your most personal information used against you in heated arguements. Dr. Katrina Kuzsyzyn-Jones discusses the effects of using intimate knowledge in fights with your spouse and offers tips for fighting constructively, without personal attacks.

Katrina holds a Masters degree in ForensicPsychology, a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, and has been practicing for over 9 years. Katrina practices with Lepage Associates in Durham, NC and can be reached at 919.572.0000, or by visiting LepageAssociates.com

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Every marriage has ups and downs, but it can sometimes be difficult to make sure that the inevitable disappointments don’t grow into larger problems and adversely affect a couple’s relationship. Dr. Steevie Jane Parks takes time to discuss some common events that lead to disappointment in a marriage and how each spouse reacts, as well as how couples can take these challenges head-on and use them to strengthen their relationship.

Dr. Steevie Jane Parks has been practicing for more than 20 years and currently lives and works in Carrboro, NC, where she offers couples and family counseling, as well as art therapy workshops and self-esteem building groups for adolescents. More information about Dr. Parks’ services is available on her website, DrSteevieJaneParks.com, or by calling her office at 919.918.1014.

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Is conflict in your marriage taking a toll on your children? Even if the arguments take place behind closed doors, they can still impact your kids. Dr. Kristen Wynns discusses some tactics parents often use without realizing the effects and how parents can resolve conflicts in a constructive manner that provides a positive behavioral model for their children.

Dr. Wynns has a private practice in Durham, NC and specializes in therapy for children, adolescents, and families. You can find out more about Dr. Wynns practice and services at her website, KristenWynns.com, or by calling her office at 919.805.0182.

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By Betty Phillips

After the honeymoon, when you realize that 50% of all marriages actually do end in divorce, marriage partners begin to realize the enormity of the tasks involved in staying happily married. Positive conflict management becomes a high priority in keeping marriages together. All couples argue, even in successful marriages, but happily married partners learn how to argue, stay best friends, and stay in love.

The overriding principle in managing arguments and conflicts is to make sure that rational thinking prevails and emotions do not run amuck. Visualize a continuum of emotions running from 0 to 10, with 10 being the highest level of anger and dissent ; you should try to keep your arguments/discussions at level 3 where you are engaged in the issues but not so overwhelmed by feelings that rational thinking is impossible. Many couples have learned to agree to schedule a “time out” when emotions run high, with the withdrawing partner agreeing to schedule “time in” to resolve the problem when both spouses calm down.

The following discussion is organized around the concept of ” SOLVE” to emphasize the fact that marital problems can be resolved in an atmosphere of love and respect.

“S” stands for the fact that you should try to schedule discussions of problems when both spouses are calm and focused and willing to discuss the issue. You all probably have experienced the opposite, running out of the door on a tight schedule, when your spouse brings up hot issues which cannot be resolved at the time, and both leave for daily activities feeling upset and angry. Too many of these unsuccessful encounters leave the marriage partners feeling frustrated with a growing number of underlying resentments.

“O” asks the question, what outcome do you really want for yourself and your partner? Pick one issue to discuss at a time, deciding the importance of the issue and whether your proposed solution is reasonable. Too often arguments become confused with a lot of side issues and unresolved problems thrown in, making it impossible to solve anything and again increasing resentments. Also realize that it makes no sense to argue about the past which cannot be changed. So stay focused on the present and future and decide what outcomes would be reasonable for you and your spouse.

“L” stands for listen to your partner until you really understand his or her point of view. What usually happens during an argument is that you never really listen to your partner, instead rehearsing your reply while you wait for your spouse to stop talking. So no one really feels heard and discussions escalate to arguments. If you don’t understand your partner’s point of view, ask questions until you do. Make sure that you validate your spouse’s point of view by showing your understanding of his or her position, even if you then proceed to state a different position on the issue.

“V” stands for verbalize your thoughts, feelings, needs and possible solutions. To keep a discussion positive, use “I” or “we” messages, not “you” messages. An example will illustrate the difference. Let’s say your spouse leaves towels, socks etc. on the floor. ” You are a slob” is an invitation to a fight; ” I get upset when stuff is left on the floor” is less accusatory; ” We have a problem keeping our house neat” may lead to a productive discussion. Try to discuss or “brainstorm” many possible solutions to resolve the problem; a solution may emerge as various possibilities are discussed in a calm manner.

“E” calls your attention to the need to evaluate your solutions after you try them out. Good ideas often go by the wayside when they are not discussed. Too often one partner may forget, the other may become resentful that the agreement was not followed, and then both stop implementing the solution. Instead, pick a time to sit down and review marriage issues to make sure that agreements are honored.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Not so. Actually it’s one of the hardest things that we can do, making sure our rational minds control our arguments, not our hot emotions. Cut out this article and put it on your refrigerator door or other prominent place, so you can refer to it when needed. You can also consult a marriage counselor to help you learn this process and by so doing protect and preserve your marriage. Marriage counseling can help prevent problems as well as save marriages.

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Dr. Phillips holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Harvard University and is certified by the National Register of Psychologists. She specializes in relationship and marriage counseling, including helping couples deal with the challenge of recovering from infidelity. Her office is located at 466 Eagle Point Rd. Pittsboro, NC 27312. You can find out more about Dr. Phillips practice, as well as other articles she has written on her website, or by contacting her at (919) 967.1860

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