By Betty Phillips

After the honeymoon, when you realize that 50% of all marriages actually do end in divorce, marriage partners begin to realize the enormity of the tasks involved in staying happily married. Positive conflict management becomes a high priority in keeping marriages together. All couples argue, even in successful marriages, but happily married partners learn how to argue, stay best friends, and stay in love.

The overriding principle in managing arguments and conflicts is to make sure that rational thinking prevails and emotions do not run amuck. Visualize a continuum of emotions running from 0 to 10, with 10 being the highest level of anger and dissent ; you should try to keep your arguments/discussions at level 3 where you are engaged in the issues but not so overwhelmed by feelings that rational thinking is impossible. Many couples have learned to agree to schedule a “time out” when emotions run high, with the withdrawing partner agreeing to schedule “time in” to resolve the problem when both spouses calm down.

The following discussion is organized around the concept of ” SOLVE” to emphasize the fact that marital problems can be resolved in an atmosphere of love and respect.

“S” stands for the fact that you should try to schedule discussions of problems when both spouses are calm and focused and willing to discuss the issue. You all probably have experienced the opposite, running out of the door on a tight schedule, when your spouse brings up hot issues which cannot be resolved at the time, and both leave for daily activities feeling upset and angry. Too many of these unsuccessful encounters leave the marriage partners feeling frustrated with a growing number of underlying resentments.

“O” asks the question, what outcome do you really want for yourself and your partner? Pick one issue to discuss at a time, deciding the importance of the issue and whether your proposed solution is reasonable. Too often arguments become confused with a lot of side issues and unresolved problems thrown in, making it impossible to solve anything and again increasing resentments. Also realize that it makes no sense to argue about the past which cannot be changed. So stay focused on the present and future and decide what outcomes would be reasonable for you and your spouse.

“L” stands for listen to your partner until you really understand his or her point of view. What usually happens during an argument is that you never really listen to your partner, instead rehearsing your reply while you wait for your spouse to stop talking. So no one really feels heard and discussions escalate to arguments. If you don’t understand your partner’s point of view, ask questions until you do. Make sure that you validate your spouse’s point of view by showing your understanding of his or her position, even if you then proceed to state a different position on the issue.

“V” stands for verbalize your thoughts, feelings, needs and possible solutions. To keep a discussion positive, use “I” or “we” messages, not “you” messages. An example will illustrate the difference. Let’s say your spouse leaves towels, socks etc. on the floor. ” You are a slob” is an invitation to a fight; ” I get upset when stuff is left on the floor” is less accusatory; ” We have a problem keeping our house neat” may lead to a productive discussion. Try to discuss or “brainstorm” many possible solutions to resolve the problem; a solution may emerge as various possibilities are discussed in a calm manner.

“E” calls your attention to the need to evaluate your solutions after you try them out. Good ideas often go by the wayside when they are not discussed. Too often one partner may forget, the other may become resentful that the agreement was not followed, and then both stop implementing the solution. Instead, pick a time to sit down and review marriage issues to make sure that agreements are honored.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Not so. Actually it’s one of the hardest things that we can do, making sure our rational minds control our arguments, not our hot emotions. Cut out this article and put it on your refrigerator door or other prominent place, so you can refer to it when needed. You can also consult a marriage counselor to help you learn this process and by so doing protect and preserve your marriage. Marriage counseling can help prevent problems as well as save marriages.

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Dr. Phillips holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Harvard University and is certified by the National Register of Psychologists. She specializes in relationship and marriage counseling, including helping couples deal with the challenge of recovering from infidelity. Her office is located at 466 Eagle Point Rd. Pittsboro, NC 27312. You can find out more about Dr. Phillips practice, as well as other articles she has written on her website, or by contacting her at (919) 967.1860

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1. What made you fall in love with your partner, and what do you love most about him/her now?

2. When did you feel the most loved by your partner, and what specific things did he/she do to make you feel loved?

3. What needs to happen to make your partner a better friend?

4. What have you learned about being married that surprises you?

5. What do you imagine your relationship will look like 10 years from now?

6. What is the best thing that has happened to you and your partner in the past year?

7. What is your relationship’s strongest point, and what areas can be enriched?

8. Are you able to talk openly about your sexual needs with your partner?

9. Is this the relationship you expected, hoped or dreamed it would be?

10. When is the right time to get professional help with a relationship?

11. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the ideal, how would each of you rate your ability to resolve conflicts?

12. Do you and your partner share enough fun times, and what are some fun things you could do?

13. Do you spend at least 20 minutes a day talking about things other than children, finances, or work?

14. What are the 5 most romantic things your partner has ever done for you, or you wish he/she would do?

By Lisa and Bill Horst
(Owners of William Ashley Agency, a Raleigh traditional matchmaking service )

It seems that something becomes amiss somewhere between Cutting the Cake festivities and eating that last piece on your one-year anniversary. No one told you marriage was hard. Really hard. And that’s just the first year (pre-kids, multiple jobs, and a house purchase). Indeed, it seemed that finding your lifelong mate was the hard part; you’re home free after that! No more first dates, bad dates, or lonely nights with a bowl of ice cream.

The current popularity of chick flicks, reality TV dating shows, books, and courses on how to get married all attest to how hard this part, the part you got right, the part you hold right now, is. But that’s just the beginning. Oh, they tell you that. But no one really explains it. They say, “This is only the beginning,” in a way that seems like, “This is only the beginning of daily bliss until eternity.” Really, the day you get married is only the beginning of figuring how to keep two different people — no matter how well-suited — living and growing together for the next 50 years.

You pick up tips over the years from friends and family: Never go to bed angry. Hold hands when you fight to remind yourselves you’re always on the same side. Compromise. But these are tools (albeit good ones). They don’t get at some very basic truths: You Will Not Always Like — Let Alone Feel Loving Toward — Your Spouse. We all know couples who say they were born to be together. But more often than not, successful relationships are created by two willing and able individuals who have enough commonalities and chemistry to try to make a go of it. That means your spouse does not have 100 percent of the qualities on your mental checklist.

You’re married, so you’ve accepted this. But recognizing this means by default you do not like everything about him/her. And some days, that will mean that those less-than-endearing qualities will grate on your every last nerve more prominently than others. Some days, you will glance over at your spouse and think, “What am I doing with this person?” That’s okay. Because it’s not realistic to think that two wholly separate people — regardless of how well-matched they are — are going to be on the same page every day for the rest of their lives together. Hormones get out of whack. There are bad days at work. Daily life becomes cumbersome. Just be aware that the positive days outweigh the negative.

Marriage Is Not 50-50; It’s 110-0. Marriage is definitely a give-and-take. But compromise doesn’t necessarily mean that each person gives up something for the good of the whole. If you compromise in a 50-50 manner, neither spouse fully gets what he/she wants. No one is fully satisfied. Moreover, some days you are able to give more than you need to receive. Some days, you need to take. How you two complement each other indicates how the scales of giving and receiving will work. But it’s inevitable that there will be certain times when one spouse is doing a lot more giving than receiving. Just know that this give-and-take will fluctuate between the two of you: you might feel exhausted now, but you’ll get the support you need when you ask for it, too. Marriage Is Not An End Unto Itself or Yourself.

Particularly in the early years, it’s easy to become consumed by your passion and romance to the exclusion of much else. You stop doing things with girlfriends. You’d rather stay home and watch a movie than pick up a squash game with your buddies. You even start to look alike. But no one wants Death by Relationship. This suffocates both the relationship and your individual growth. Ensure you maintain all the reasons you were attracted to each other in the first place. Don’t neglect friends or family. Outside interests and relationships only help stimulate yours. As you mature together, find new common interests and explore individuals ones. For example, you both might want to take some classes at the local university, but it doesn’t have to be the same ones. Creating a strong sense of self, recognizing and building on what makes you, you, goes a long way toward maintaining a positive relationship.

By: Lesli Doares

This time of year finds us between two “romantic” holidays, New Year’s Eve, when we want to be with that special someone at the magical stroke of midnight, and Valentine’s Day, when we celebrate all that being in love means. It is almost unthinkable that we should spend either of these days alone when the rest of the world seems to be running around in pairs. It is also the time of year when we examine our lives and resolve to make changes, one of which may be to find or rekindle the excitement and passion of new love.

Humans are a contrary species. We want both the safety, security and comfort of a committed relationship as well as the breathless, swept off one’s feet exhilaration of being newly in love. As in most things, we have come to expect that we cannot have it all. How often have we heard, or been told, that someone loves somebody but is no longer “in love” with them? How many of us really understand what that means? Do we believe there is a difference or is it just another way to leave a relationship? Is it possible to fall in love stay in love? Yes, but first you must understand the process.
When we fall in love the world looks and feels different. The sun shines brighter, colors are more vivid, food tastes better, everything is more intense. We can stay up all night and still have energy to burn. Our every waking moment is focused on that special someone and their very presence can make the most mundane chore seem like an amusement park ride. We don’t give a second thought to things that just a short time ago consumed us. Our lives feel out of control but we are enthralled by the wild ride and have no intention of getting off. It is like we have found the perfect drug and in a way we have.

Falling in love is like being high on drugs, but these drugs are naturally produced by the body. The brain releases two neurotransmitters, dopamine and norepinephrine, when you become attracted to someone and start to fall in love. These neurotransmitters are responsible for your bright outlook, your increased energy and your sharpened sense of perception. Another neurotransmitter, phenylethylamine (PEA), is released when you are with your love giving you a sense of comfort and security. When you are separated levels of PEA drop causing your mood to crash and you experience symptoms of withdrawal, commonly called love sickness.

This stage of love also has a strong psychological component. You see your new love as made for you and completely without flaws. This person knows and meets all your needs without your needing to ask, or even mention. He/she is the solution to all of your emotional problems and will heal all of your childhood wounds. His/her love will make you whole and happy. In the immortal words in Jerry McGuire, your new love will “complete you.”.

Unfortunately, this top-of-the-world euphoria will not last. Usually within six months reality sets in and by the time eighteen to thirty-six months go by you are no longer “in love”. Our bodies are not meant to function in that heightened state for any longer than that. The initial surge of attraction and euphoria is an evolutionary strategy designed to ensure survival of the species. The time allotted to being in love is long enough to act on the attraction, begin the process of procreation and develop a more committed relationship. This new relationship needs to be a deeper and more intimate one that is consciously created if it is to last..

Creating a lasting and fulfilling relationship with one person requires commitment, the ability to compromise and a certain level of tolerance for emotional anxiety. We cling to the notion of “being in love” because in that state we feel alive and connected to those around us. We feel that we will die if we are not deeply connected to someone else. However, when we look to others to “complete us” we lose our ability to stand on our own two feet. We cannot survive as a separate entity if we only feel whole in the presence of another. The ability to function as an independent entity is what allows us to be truly and deeply connected to another. We are not a couple out of fear of being alone but because we make a conscious choice to be together.

A successful, long term relationship requires work and effort. It is based on giving up the fantasy of finding our “one true soul mate” and being secure enough to let our partner know how important he/she is in our lives. It requires us to love and honor our partner and put their needs and desires on a par with or above our own. Unfortunately most people do not have the tools that will enable them to make a success of a relationship once the bloom is off the rose of love. Our natural tendency is to retreat into ourselves when we are faced with an uncomfortable or unfamiliar situation. It is at this point that we must focus outward if we are to have a successful and fulfilling intimate relationship..

The first step is to be able to see the world through your partner’s eyes. The longer you are with someone the more your acts of love need to reflect their wants and desires instead of your own. If your partner’s idea of fun is to raft down swirling rapids, surprising him with a slow cruise around the Caribbean may not elicit the desired response. If your partner is overworked and stressed out doing a load of laundry or cleaning up the kitchen may be appreciated more than candy and flowers.
Another element necessary to a lifelong relationship is excitement. Excitement releases PEA into your system, gets your heart racing and brings back that intense initial feeling to your relationship. This recharges the system and deepens the emotional bonds. Making time to step outside the usual routine and focusing on being a couple on a regular basis can recharge your relationship.

Relationships take daily effort. It is easy to fall into a routine and take your relationship for granted. It is necessary to nurture the relationship as if it were a separate personality. It has needs that need to be met if it is to thrive and endure. It needs your time and attention as much as any other aspect of your life. You need to be mindful of your relationship and pay attention to its patterns. A relationship requires mutual respect between you and your partner. We often treat complete strangers better than those close to us. Be aware of how you treat each other.

Make time for playfulness and surprise. These qualities will bring back memories of your initial love for each other. Don’t be afraid to show your sensitive, caring side. Writing a love letter to your partner is a way to let your partner know how much you love him/her. Being vulnerable is scary but the payoff may be more consideration and passion from your partner. Create occasions for celebration that have deep meaning for you and your partner. Use what you know about each other’s history to surprise and delight each other. This connecting to a time when you did not know each other can create amazingly deep bonds.

As the celebratory day of love approaches revel in the joy of new found love if you have it. Understand that the constant high it brings is fleeting. If you understand the progression of love you will be able to incorporate this intensity into a more profound and intimate love that really can complete you.

By:Amy McMillan

“Healthy conflict” may sound like an oxymoron to some - a contradiction of terms. After all, if we are in conflict, we’re not healthy, right? Well, most relationship counselors will specifically disagree. In fact, to have healthy relationships, people must conflict sometimes. Conflict is inevitable, no one agrees with everyone all the time. The question is how to deal with it.

We know that if we have disagreement without acknowledgment, then we create a whole new host of problems. These can be labeled “conflict avoidant”, or “passive aggressive”, or “living quietly & miserably ever after”!! So, we have conflict. That’s life. That’s typical. That’s healthy! Now that we have determined that one must have conflict to be healthy, what constitutes healthy conflict?

Anger is a normal emotion. Anger is not right or wrong. It’s what we do with the anger that can be healthy or unhealthy. Healthy conflict is characterized by an ability to sort out differences in a way that is some what tolerated by those involved. I say some what, because at first the conflict may not be easily or comfortably tolerated, but with a little practice, tolerance levels become more balanced.

It is no secret that we all have different tolerance levels. People who have never been exposed to arguments or conflict may say, “I don’t know how to speak my mind to my spouse, my parents never disagreed in front of me.” People who grew up with fighting parents may have extreme tolerance because that is what they are accustomed to; or they may have no tolerance at all, because they are striving to “not live that way anymore”. Confusing, huh?

As a result of this confusion, and working with many couples of different tolerance levels, upbringings, cultural believes, and more - I have constructed the fair fight rules. These are designed as a guideline to help couples determine how to conflict as fairly, and as comfortably as possible with one another, while still speaking up and voicing their conflicting points of view. Couples can tailor the list with personal rules - agreeing never to bring up a specific topic in an argument for example, or agreeing to take a “time-out” when the discussion is getting too heated. Remember, the purpose is to resolve the conflict, not to simply vent the anger.

1. No threats during argument.
2. No blanket judgments or labeling generalizations.
3. Stay on the topic at hand.
4. No interrupting.
5. Stay in present tense.
6. Don’t argue in the dark.
7. Don’t walk away or leave the house without saying to your partner, “I’ll be back”.
8. No finger pointing.
9. Take responsibility for your thoughts. Use “I” language.
10. Write down the topic at the beginning to insure staying on topic and clarify the issue.
11. Try to avoid over-dramatization.
12. Allow time to collect your thoughts. Immediate response is not necessary.
13. Approach the argument with a problem solving attitude, rather than blame.
14. Try to avoid statements so critical that the other person has no course but to retaliate.
15. Don’t save up feelings and dump them all at once, try to air feelings often.
16. Try not to yell.
17. Don’t use abusive language or labels.
18. No gossip.
19. Speak for yourself.
20. Neither person is right, there are only differences. Both win when the conflict is resolved.
21. Admit you’re angry.
22. Go forth as equals. Don’t use power plays. Gauge the intensity of your anger to the ego strengths of the other person and be responsible with the things your mate has entrusted to you in your relationship. YOU ARE ON THE SAME TEAM!

If you cannot resolve the conflict, see a professional who can help each of you hear and understand one another. A relative, neighbor, or friend who usually doesn’t have the training, cannot remain as objective as a counselor, minister, psychologist, or psychiatrist.

Cary Behavioral Health Care
Amy McMillan, MEd, LPC
8000 Regency Pkwy, Ste 260
Cary, NC 27511
919-467-7130
“A comprehensive Approach to Mental Health”

(This excerpt should not be used as a substitute for counseling, and CBHC and clinicians therein have no liability to individuals who do not seek appropriate levels of treatment; all rights reserved).

By Charlotte A. Michie, MS, MSW, LCSW

Relationships are like gardens; they can be thriving with lots of flowers, or overrun with weeds. Marriages, like gardens, need tending for them to prosper.
Ten ways to cultivate your intimate relationship are:

1. Be open to change. Change is something that can not be avoided. Learn to embrace it by focusing on “what is” rather than on “what should be”.
2. Learn to listen. Real listening is based on intention. If your intention is on getting your needs met, then you are not doing real listening but pseudo listening.
3. Be open to new ways of being together. Consider doing different activities as a couple as a way to add zest to your relationship.
4. Take care of yourself. The ability to love another person is based on how well you care for your self.
5. Be grateful, each day, for one thing about your companion. Accent the positive rather than the negative. Your relationship will thrive.
6. Be generous. Difficulties arise when the focus is exclusively on what is wrong in the relationship. Remember your spouse, like you, is doing their best.
7. Ask for support. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Let your spouse know how you want to be supported.
8. Risk being vulnerable. Be willing to let your spouse know how you feel rather than pretend or avoid your feelings.
9. Make time for each other. Scheduling time together, on a weekly basis, will alleviate stress in your marriage.
10. Learn to respond to each other rather than react. Reacting is an impulsive act. While it may provide immediate relief, it will often have long-term negative consequences.